Very Bad Asian

I want my kids to grow up and never hear “go back to your own country.” Like I did.

For most of my life, I was a very bad Asian. I battled my racial imposter syndrome for decades.

This feels like:
🏚 You don’t have a home
🪩 Others see a warped version of you
🕵️ You’re not who you’re supposed to be
🫥 You’ll never fit in, no matter what you do

I was under this spell from early childhood.

I grew up without a Vietnamese community in Germantown, TN. So I never learned to speak it.

I was raised to fit into our mostly White community but stuck out like a sore Asian thumb.

Every conversation with someone new began: 
- Their words: “Where are you from?” 
- In their eyes: “You’re one of them.”

I was born in Arkansas. Over time, I honed my brand. “Asian by birth, southern by the grace of God.” It threw people off. I liked that.

I wasn’t particularly religious but it said “duh, I’m from here.” It became my mantra. 

I pinned my identity on an elusive hope & dream.
Maybe people would accept that I belonged.
So I ran away from my heritage. 
I shunned my Asian-ness.

Because on the other side, I was equally out of place. 

When family friends would greet me with “xin chào,” I’d politely rush to explain my shame “sorryIonlyknowEnglish.”

Every time, the tone would shift:
- Their reply: “Oh, ok.”
- In their eyes: “You’re one of them.”

And in all the other ways, I stuck out like a sore Asian American thumb. B-plus student. Art school (after pre-med, obv). Felt feelings. White friends.

Decades later, I escaped it all. I found refuge where I don’t answer these questions daily in Brooklyn, among an island of misfits.

But still the ghost lingers.

“Where do I belong?”

Because when you spend your life without that North Star, insecurity takes root in every step you take.

You become grateful for any opportunity for acceptance.

From conversations to careers, you settle for less.

Until you don’t.

So that’s it. 

Today, I’m done being the very bad Asian.
I’m done yearning to be seen as American.

I cast aside the veil of cultural assimilation.
I reject fitting in for fitting in’s sake.

I know what the hell I’m doing here.
I’m a weirdo. I belong here.

I’m a pretty good me.

(Apologies to Radiohead)

#aapi 
#identity 
#acceptance